Okay, so it has been almost four months since I published anything on here. Although, it’s not as if I haven’t been writing anything. I’ve started writing two pieces – One is simply titled, “Little things that annoy me”. It’s pretty much what it says on the tin. I doubt I will ever finish it, but it is interesting just writing things down to see what comes out. So far, I have realised that I pretty much hate everything…
The second piece that I have been working on is actually a piece of fiction titled, “Speedball”. Simply put, it is about a lawyer’s downfall after his girlfriend breaks up with him and he discovers drugs. I’m certain that will never be finished.
I decided about 10 minutes ago that I am going to write something. It would be good to see something published that I haven’t had to slave academically over. There is no pressure to make sure it conforms to any particular style guide or if it meets legal criteria – Just writing without thinking. Whoever reads this can probably see it seems quite disjointed.
One thing about me, is that I seem to over-analyse everything. I ponder into this random, whimsical, intricate stream of thought that I don’t really have too much control over. Something; one word, a phrase, an image or a concept might just grab my attention and my mind will run with it but before I can articulate it, I have completely lost my stream of thought. As you read this, you will undoubtedly see this in action..
For some reason, tonight, I have been thinking about how strange personalities are. You can get somebody who is completely confident and lights up a room when they enter it. However, at the other end of the spectrum, you can get people who are so nervous and awkward that you wouldn’t notice them in a crowd of people. Socially camouflaged and completely invisible to everyone.
However much impact these leave on the world, they are still people with complete lives. They’re not just names and faces – They have friends, families, hopes and dreams. They are all biologically identical. The hard, physical attributes that make them human are the same, yet, it is something completely different that makes them who they are.
Something inside forces them to make a joke every time they feel uncomfortable or makes them smile when someone says something horrible to them.
Every single action or choice someone will make in their entire life is dictated by their personality on one level or another. How amazing is that?
Hypothetical: Three people, each is completely different, are in a bar and they see a girl/guy that they really like. How will they react?
Person #1 will just walk straight up to that person, introduce themselves and start talking to them. This is the person that is least likely to walk out of the bar alone. They’re confident enough to be able to do that – Something that I definitely can’t do.
Person #2 will probably indirectly try and gain the attention of the guy/girl. Perhaps through a friend or some stupid way like ‘accidentally’ walking into them as they go to get another drink (This is what most of my friends do). It’s relatively successful, but you end up looking like an idiot a fair amount of the time.
Finally, Person #3 won’t say anything because they’re too scared to get rejected or embarrass themselves. They’d sit in the bar quietly and then feel like an idiot for the rest of the night, regretting that they didn’t do anything.
Now, if you remove the context, there are three different personalities: The confident & direct person, the shy & cowardly person, finally, the mid-ground.
Everybody is all of these people in different situations and I find that really interesting. If I look at myself over the last few months, I have been all three of these on so many occasions. I can easily identify when I have been confident and arrogant. Equally, there have been so so many times where I have been this nervous wreck, even around some of my closest mates. For almost all of the other moments, I’m a mix between the both.
The complexity of a person is crazy. Especially when you take into consideration factors such as ethics, morals and decisions they have to make.
Anyway, going back to how I over-analyse everything, something tiny and insignificant could happen during the day but I might stay up for hours at night, reading into it. There’s something that has been on my mind a hell of a lot over the last few months. Last week, a friend mentioned something to me about this, and it really was a tiny thing – I laid awake until 4am thinking about it, looking at different scenarios that could play out because if this one tiny grain of information.
It’s almost as if my neurotic tendencies are creating this butterfly effect in my imagination. It’s these little idiosyncrasies that people have that I find some interesting.
I can’t be direct with one of my good mates because I’m afraid of the consequences, yet, I am able to be completely honest with relative strangers. Equally, at the same time, I can be completely open with the same person whilst shutting myself off from strangers. It’s so confusing!
I’m getting so tired whilst writing this so I can’t keep my thoughts flowing onto the page. I’ve found this really interesting to do though. If you have actually read this, then give it a try. Just write. Don’t think about what you are writing or what you have written. Just write.
It might not make an exciting read but it’s not about that. It’s so great having nothing but new thoughts streaming through your mind. I’ve felt like I’m in some kind of bubble – Not really listening to anything around me. Although, you do remember things that you wanted to write that you forgot..
Oh well. If you have read this, then thanks for baring with it. I’m really not sure how it came out or if it was a worthy read. Hopefully it wasn’t just a page of words.